God has waited for me to get to the end of myself

This is a hard post to write. I have been filled with restlessness. A cloud of negativity, boredom, and dissatisfaction has been bearing down on me constantly. These feelings settled in right after we returned from a Colorado vacation and I have been struggling to bounce back. Mind you, our trip to Colorado was over a month ago.

I feel like Colorado broke me.

A little back story about why Colorado broke me, I LOVE Colorado. I desperately desire to live there or anywhere that has something to do besides forcing me to stay inside for eight months out of the year to escape the heat. I love Colorado’s mountains, I love the trees, I love that the state actually has seasons. I love the cool weather, the low temperatures and relative lack of humidity. I enjoy the state’s lifestyle which is focused on health, fitness, and outdoor adventures. I simply cannot get enough of the scenery. My husband and I have taken countless trips to Colorado just to escape the Texas summer heat or just to have a glimpse of snow. Colorado is my escape. Basically, Colorado represents the life I want.

During our trip, I was enjoying our hikes, photo stops, and excursions to cute mountains towns. I loved every minute of it. I felt like I was in my element. I felt like I was home. My joy ended abruptly as we boarded the rental car shuttle to the airport. As I stared out the shuttle window I saw the mountains outlined in the most beautiful sunset and all I could do was cry. The sunset was beautiful, yes, but the mountains were getting smaller and further away, just like my dreams. The realization was dawning again, that this lifestyle is not and cannot be mine. My trip to Colorado, while amazing, brought up all those heavy emotions and feelings. Leaving, what I feel to be a second home, or my home of choice, just broke my heart. I came back home feeling heartbroken, frustrated, angry, and extremely negative.

I know I’m an idealist and a perfectionist and what that means is that when I find what it is that I want, I cannot stand to live in a world that does not meet my expectations. Texas fails miserably at meeting my expectations. I’ve lived in Texas my entire life and over half of my life, I’ve wanted to move. Sometimes, I don’t feel that I can fit in here or be happy here. Over the years, I’ve tried resolving this situation, hoping that by finding friends, getting plugged in at a church, joining a gym, finding a job, (don’t get me started on that journey), and buying a house would ease this ongoing unease and frustration, but of course it did not. I desired so greatly for my life to look different, to be different. Getting out of Texas was equal to me making my own path in life, achieving success, and independence. I’m sure that doesn’t make sense to most people, in fact, sometimes it hasn’t made sense to me, but nonetheless it has been how I’ve felt.

Recently, I had a wake up call when I realized that my misery was not only experienced by me, but was bearing down on my husband. My compassionate, loving, joyful husband was full of sadness, frustration, and anger at not being able to help. During a particularly difficult weekend, he opened up and told me with a huge sigh and a heavy heart, “I just want my wife back.” When I heard those words I knew I needed to make a change.

Since I cannot change my situation I’ve been analyzing my thoughts and feelings trying to discover why I feel the way I do. After much introspection, I’ve realized that Colorado isn’t just my escape from Texas, it may be the chief desire of my heart.

I’ve been holding my desires for a different life higher than my desire for God.

This way of living is so small and so full of emptiness. I should know, I been living in this miserable state for a long, long time. My inner thoughts have been on a constant repeat of, “If I lived there, I would be healthy, If I lived there, I would have more friends, If I lived there, I could finally be successful, If I lived there I would be–happy.” This way of thinking invites so much negativity, jealously, and greed into my heart and permeates every aspect of my life and marriage.

My desire for a different life has, at times, blinded me to the joy I can experience in my current one. I’m constantly looking 15 years down the road, to when we can retire, thinking, “At least I can be happy then.” My soul gets so weary living in this state of suspended joy.

Lately, I have been reading “How to Be Happy Where You Are” by Michelle Mckinney Hammond and in it she says this, “God promises to bless us with good and perfects gifts ( James 1:17). Usually the things we long for fall so short of the mark of what He desires for us that He allows us to taste, to touch, to lose and to release the very things we want and cling to. This is the part of the process of maturity- to no longer allow our desires to rule us to the point that they block out the Son. Jesus must shine first and foremost in our hearts, thereby giving us the clarity we need to put all things into His perspective. So that we, like the apostle Paul, can say we have learned based or abounding, whether full or empty, to be content in all things (Philippians: 4:11-13).”

That line, “to no longer allow our desires to rule us to the point that they block out the Son” is so powerful and so relevant to my life. That’s exactly what I’ve been doing! I’ve allowed my desires for a different life, for Colorado, for children, for a successful career to be my focus and to be my source of happiness. I’ve struggled to attain all these desires and when none of these dreams could be achieved I completely shut down. I have set these desires on the throne of my heart instead of my Savior, Jesus Christ.

Another quote that I found to be incredibly powerful from Hammond’s book says, “Only when we are willing to die– die to our own agendas and what distracts us from the heart and purposes of God– will we find the fulfillment and contentment we search for. Sometimes our own desires diminish the greatness of what God really wants to do for us and through us. As we surrender all we are and all we have to Him, He broods, He hovers, and overtakes us, filling us with His presence. Giving us a new perspective and newness of life that will surpass all our expectations and satisfy us beyond our wildest dreams.”

My dreams and desires have been so self-centered and so small and I want to change that. I feel like God has been waiting for me to get to the end of myself, to reach the point where I fully realize that nothing, absolutely nothing can fulfill me like He can. Isn’t it amazing that we have a Savior who wants us to have a deep personal relationship with Him? He knows all, but He want us to open up to Him, to rely on Him, to depend on Him and to love Him with all our hearts, all our mind, and all our strength.

I can honestly say that I reached the end of myself a few weeks ago, but for the first time in a long time I can say that I am hopeful. I’m hopeful for my future, and even more hopeful for my present. Even though my situation will not change, I know that my perspective can. I know that when I look to Jesus first, and desire Him first, I can put all things into His perspective. I know that I have a lot to work through, but I know that He will be right there with me.

“Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” Psalm 73: 25-26